Alsaleem recommends that counselors consider three categories when working with infidelity. The first is dyadic factors, which are any relationship issues that lead to the couple not having their sexual or emotional needs met by each other. He points out that some mental health issues, such as bipolar disorder and narcissistic, antisocial and borderline personality disorders, may increase the likelihood of infidelity. People who experienced sexual trauma at an early age are also more likely to engage in infidelity as adults because the trauma may have affected their attachment, sexual identity and the type of relationships they have in adulthood, Alsaleem adds.
Survey data taken from Ashley Madison, a website that helps married people have affairs, reveal that certain careers and occupations are more correlated with infidelity. These careers typically involve frequent travel; expose people to trauma; feature long, stressful hours; or offer unhealthy work environments among the examples provided were military personnel, first responders, nurses, police officers and people in sales.
In fact, because the emotional response to infidelity e. The fallout from infidelity can also spill over into other roles that people occupy, such as being a parent or a professional. This can lead to guilt and shame if they are not performing well in another area because they are preoccupied with the trauma of the betrayal, he says.
Despite having worked for a while with couples in crisis, Alsaleem found that none of the counseling tools he had acquired over the years adequately dealt with infidelity. Alsaleem started jotting down observations of his clients dealing with infidelity and discovered several struggles that these clients shared regardless of the type of relationships they had, the length of their relationships, or their cultural or religious backgrounds.
These shared struggles included defining infidelity, handling the emotional impact of infidelity, and navigating the significance of the affair narrative. SART describes seven milestones clients go through as they heal from infidelity:. Counselors must help clients resist making impulsive decisions and instead encourage them to make up their minds after completing the proper steps and understanding why they are making their decision, Alsaleem says. With affair recovery, Jennifer Meyer , an LPC in private practice in Fort Collins, Colorado, finds it helpful to have couples write down their feelings and emotions, which can be intense.
From the beginning, she asks couples to share a journal and write their feelings back and forth to each other. After the couple has had time to identify and process the cause of the infidelity, Meyer asks the partner who has been unfaithful to write an apology letter and to read it to the injured partner in session.
In this letter, the offending party conveys that they understand the pain they have caused and feel remorse for their actions. Even if the couple decides not to stay together, the letter helps repair the damage caused by the infidelity, and the partners can move forward and, eventually, into new relationships without carrying the pain and trauma with them, Meyer says.
Some therapists avoid having clients share details about the infidelity because they fear it will create more harm or retraumatize clients, Alsaleem says. He argues that narrating the affair is a painful yet crucial part of recovery that can help facilitate healing if done with the right level of disclosure.
Alsaleem dedicates an entire day in his SART training program to teaching counselors how to help clients share their affair stories without retraumatizing both parties by sharing too much or too little information and without minimizing or exaggerating what happened.
Meyer, a member of both ACA and IAMFC, often finds that clients want to ask the offending partner multiple detailed questions about the intricacies of the affair. Meyer is aware that the answers to these questions have the potential to create even more hurt and trauma for her clients, so she is honest with couples about this possibility and guides them through the process.
Alsaleem provides a brief example of how counselors can determine the appropriate level of disclosure when clients share their affair stories but he advises clinicians to seek further training before trying this approach.
He first asks the offending partner to be proactively transparent when sharing the affair story. Alsaleem also tells injured clients that they can ask anything they want about the affair. But before they ask, he helps them determine whether the question will help them understand what type of affair it was or why the affair happened.
If so, then it is a fair question, he says. He advises counselors to ask clients what they are trying to learn about the story with their questions and help them figure out if these questions are the best way to obtain that information while avoiding further traumatization. Affairs can evoke intense emotions in session, especially when discussing the affair story. You can both ask for a timeout as well. Meyer also uses her own body language — such as scooting up in her chair or standing up — if clients start yelling uncontrollably, or she physically separates them for a few minutes by having them take turns going to the restroom or getting a glass of water.
These subtle changes help clients calm down and not get stuck in fighting, she explains. Usatynski, an ACA member who specializes in couples therapy, approaches infidelity counseling differently from couples therapy where betrayal is not the presenting issue. Reading books or blogs on the subject might help you see what is normal in reaction to discovering betrayal.
How long did this relationship last? What was the extent of the lies that were told in order to conceal it, and how much money was spent?
Is there a risk of pregnancy? Betrayed partners may have the urge to push to learn the X-rated details of the sexual encounters or ask their partner to compare them to the person they had the affair with.
It might take a long time to figure out what led to this crisis and where to go from here. Your first impulse is probably not the wisest.
Unfortunately, it can take a long time to get over infidelity and won't happen overnight. Usually, it can take a minimum of two years to heal from this, maybe even more. So, try to postpone permanent decisions until you can think more clearly. The person who was cheated on needs to allow the initial wave of shock, pain, fear, and grief to build, and then break like a wave at the beach.
Wait for this initial phase to pass before you attempt to figure out what to do in response to your new reality. Looking back at what happened, identify and write a list of each step down the path to its occurrence. Then, write out what each of you wishes you had done differently at each step, so you will stay safe in similar future circumstances.
Take a relationship education course that starts by helping you identify the weak areas in your relationship and then strengthens them for future happiness together. The stronger your skills for talking together about sensitive issues are, the less likely you will be to drift apart or to let anger rifts lead to resentment or fights.
Make appointments for each of you to just listen to the other. The speaker should speak briefly and let the listener paraphrase what he or she heard.
Often, the listener will hear only part of what is said. Repeat what was missed, and check before going on to the next point. The unfaithful spouse can share the thoughts and feelings that led to the choices that were made. Doing this helps you both understand the underlying problems you face. The injured spouse can also acknowledge his or her contribution to creating the circumstances that led to the infidelity.
Even if you choose to stay together, something has been irretrievably lost: your innocent belief that you would be true to each other and all that implied. Whatever you create from here will be different, hopefully, better, but definitely different. Healing together is difficult if not impossible when one person has their foot out the door. If you want to stay together, act like you mean it.
The betrayed partner is going to feel hurt, angry and emotional. The partner who strayed should allow this emotionality and validate it as being real by saying things like, "Of course you are feeling hurt, I messed up. Look for a marriage and family therapist who specializes in infidelity. There is a reason why the infidelity happened. Both of you need help to understand the underlying unmet needs, and how to heal from the breach in the relationship.
If you knew how to fix your problems, you would have already done it. Instead, allow marriage counseling to help you build a more mutually satisfying relationship. Healthy relationships are built on open communication and trust. It behooves couples to determine the root cause of infidelity.
This can be done via couples counseling, couples workshops and seminars, or relationship retreats. In identifying the reasons why infidelity occurred, making changes and establishing new norms may prove to be a solid path to resolution. Consciously decide to move on. Do not keep harping on the past or reminding one another of the role each played in the deterioration of the relationship. While it may prove to be challenging, forgiveness is a key component in resolving the infidelity and must be done if a healthy, well-balanced, and fully restored relationship is the goal.
If a couple decides to stay together after an act of cheating, a lasting effect on the relationship is re-establishing and maintaining trust. In healthy relationships, trust is a precious commodity. When a relationship is built with a foundation of trust, couples can enjoy the fruits of love and affection, intellectual and physical intimacy, and comfort and security. The adage that trust takes a lot to build and very little to destroy is true, but trust can be re-established.
Accountability and trust are facilitated by the development of a specific communication plan in which partners keep in touch regularly and inform each other of their schedules and plans.
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